Dealing with grief: A post by Kerry

From February 12, 2019

I think one of the most defining moments in my long distance relationship with my late hubby was when I jokingly said, “Where ever you are in this world, I’ll always find a way to get to you”.

When he died in 2012, that statement stayed with me. I felt an overwhelming need and desire to get to him. I wasn’t sure if he was in heaven, hanging out in God’s waiting room or trapped in some unknown realm. All I knew was that I wanted to get to him, even if that meant dying too.

I can’t say that I was actively suicidal, but the thought was present in my mind: I wanted to…needed to get to him.

I remember thinking, “How will I ever get out of this dark place?”, “How can I live out the rest of the day without hearing his voice?”; “And how can I have a ‘tomorrow’ with life as I knew it ending ‘TODAY?’”; “How will I live?”…

That was almost 7 years ago.

I never knew that it was possible to have made it this far, let alone be happy. Yes, I’ve added people to my life which ultimately added to my happiness – like opting to continue my journey into motherhood alone. But, at the end of the day, I realized no one besides me could be responsible for my happiness. I alone was in charge of how the tragedy of my husband’s death would define my life.

Each and every day, we have at least two choices.

We can look at the world through bitter, angry lenses, wrongly believing that holding on to that pain somehow shows how much we loved our spouse. Or, we can find the happiness in even the littlest of things. For instance, today I stared at the patch of grey in the middle of my locks.  It bothered me. But then I remembered that my husband didn’t live long enough to have more than a strand or two of grey hair come in. That really shifted my perspective.

Yes, we will forever be dealing with grief of the love that we lost. We will never get over it. I know this. I’ve lived it for 2,486 days. I will live it for a lifetime more.

However, I know for sure that there can be good in each day if we only open our eyes a bit wider. Look through the anger, the sadness, the betrayal, the lies, the hurt, the disappointment, the grief. It is possible for happiness to live simultaneously with grief.

For 2019, my wish is that we all find the beauty in each day and realize that even during our worst moments, the sun will rise the next morning and we’ll have another shot at finding the beauty in the day.

Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss and Life”. HuffPost and Love What Matters featured her articles on widowhood and grief. Moments of Clarity recently featured her on the podcast.