Surviving the Holidays

From November 18, 2019

How to navigate the holidays

With the holidays just around the corner, I’m starting to hear stories and questions on surviving the holidays from the people in my widowhood community. For instance, last week a widower told me he was finding it painful to make his own Thanksgiving plans amidst the worry and comments of others.

Our conversation in a nutshell:

• He longed to go somewhere “neutral” this year, and was worried and guilt-ridden about how his decision might impact the feelings of others. He had picked a place that appealed to him (I could tell he’d given this lots of thought). I told him his plan sounded good for his mind and soul.
• His guilt was around the fact that he’s not planning to spend Thanksgiving with other family members (who also miss his late spouse). Thanksgiving is such a family oriented holiday, I told him, it can be hard to carry off your own plans (plans that are independently healing for you). I also reminded him that (in a literal sense) guilt is an appropriate feeling when someone is doing something illegal or immoral (which of course he isn’t). Looking at it that way, his guilt is actually misplaced.
• I was glad to hear he’s decided to speak to his family about his plans. We talked about how the family conversation may or may not change his feelings (or theirs). I encouraged him to do what is best for him (no matter what they say). In situations like these, some people decide to do some of each – for example Thanksgiving away and Christmas with family.
• We talked about the importance of continually searching for his true feelings throughout this process. When feelings get acknowledged, it goes a long way toward healing a wounded heart.
• His overall plan is a healing one. We talked about how he may still find himself heavy with sorrow because she can’t go to this great place with him. He may feel loneliness while he’s there.

For some people, the upcoming holidays will be one of the many “firsts” in their widowhood.

Their pain is fresh. For others, it’s their second or third time around, and they wonder why they still feel so lost and numb and raw. Surviving the holidays is not easy.

They say – what if the season overwhelms me with sadness? Will I even be able to function? How will this holiday be for our kids?

Here are some of the answers I give:

• Don’t forget – your feelings are very real. You might attempt to control or hide them. However, this can actually make the holidays harder for both you and your kids.
• It’s important for everyone in the family (including you) to say how they’re feeling about the person who is gone (doing this whenever you feel it is best). Everyone can talk about how their feelings are affected by that person not being here.
• Expressing your feelings may feel impossible. Or you may have worries that letting out just one little feeling will cause you to completely go to pieces. Very normal – pay attention to this. Talk to a trusted friend, a spiritual mentor, a therapist. Sharing your raw feelings with them first will reduce the enormous pressure inside you. It will also help your feelings be less overwhelming when you talk with your children.
• An important thing to remember – when you talk about your feelings with your kids, it gives your kids permission to talk about theirs, which is another way of surviving the holidays with them.

Widowers ask me – how about the traditions we’ve always done with the kids (no matter their ages)? Should I do things as we always did them? Is it bad to not do it for the kids?

Here are a few things I’ve seen:

• Some people have a family meeting to ask the kids how they feel about things like decorations, gift giving, and food. The kid’s responses help guide the holiday process. It’s also a good idea to talk to your grown children as well.
• Some families find it cathartic to keep their traditions going. They talk and cry their way through all the memories that come up.
• Other folks find that’s just too hard, and they do something completely different.

To sum up, I know firsthand how the holidays can be filled with huge feelings. The best advice I received as a new widow was to “just feel what I feel when I feel it”.

What I found was – just like the ocean – my feelings would wash over me. And just like a huge wave, it could feel overwhelming, sometimes like I couldn’t breathe, like I was drowning, and that it would never stop. After that, just like the ocean, the wave would go out and I could breathe again, stop crying, and even muster a smile.

I would like to hear about your experiences as you go through the holidays this year. Send me an email.

Read more about Proactive Steps to help get you through the holidays here.